Time to go back to the motor gym

It used to be the case that all red blooded males wanted their beer cold, their steak bloody and a rumbling V8 underneath their bonnet. These days it’s a glass of white wine to wash down the chicken Caesar salad and then home in the hybrid. So what has happened to the red blooded male and his truck engine in a plastic body? In this time of economic cutbacks and slowing markets, is the handsome, wild and extremely thirsty muscle car dying along with our masculinity?

We’ve entered an epoch of male moisturisers and manicures ‘for hard worked hands’. A time where men go on mid-week spa breaks and spend their Saturdays networking in trendy cafes. An age when its time for the American motor industry to revamp their affordable muscle car get man to put back on their trousers. Not only to put testosterone back on the road but also to get the American motor companies out of the current slump and back to the powerhouses they once were. These days you’d need to remortgage your house to afford a muscle car, and that’s not an easy thing to do in the States right now. The most affordable one nowadays is probably the new Mustang, with the new Camaro and upcoming Challenger a close second. But if you’re aiming for the Shelby or anything really in muscle car category, you’re looking at climbing towards $50K.

So where did it all go wrong? Remember how it only made sense when everyone was supposed to get bigger, in terms of industry and car size? General Motors bought Saab, BMW bought Rover, Daimler bought Chrysler, and Ford bought everything left over. Industry giants like Ford not only made most of their parts they also owned their own rubber and timber forests, steamship companies and ore mines. General Motors ran dozens of divisions to supply it with all the different components it needed to build its gadget-laden, tail-finned, chrome-laden, V8 battle cruisers, from the ground up.

Where the American companies have gone wrong in recent years is concentrating too much on the Hummers and big dumb SUV's. Now these companies can't borrow money to ride out the economic storm, and the credit squeeze has dramatically hindered car sales. What’s needed now is the affordable muscle cars of Detroit. For example it was the Ford mustang, launched in April 1964 that put Detroit on the map. The Mustang that quickly became the fastest-selling car, with Ford selling 100,000 Mustangs in the first four months, and a million in two years.

In the home of the iconic muscle car, General Motors has been in decline for decades. Sales are down everywhere and in effect General Motors is bleeding from several wounds. Chrysler and Ford aren’t fairing any better. Only last week it emerged that these companies are seeking $34 Billion from the American Government to help them weather the economic storm. It’s a pity, really, because as a result the American muscle car industry is teetering on the brink. It may well go and if it does we shall be waving goodbye to the companies that gave us the Mustang, the Camero, and the Charger. The companies that powered films like The Dukes of Hazard, Starsky & Hutch and Bullitt - tearing up San Francisco in a 1968 GT 390 Fastback in pursuit of a triple-black Dodge Charger 440 R/T. Does it get anymore manly? The big question is what will fill the void if these companies do go to the wall. Is it time for the European eco friendly cars to go stateside? And what does this mean for us red-blooded males? Can you imagine Bo and Luke Duke running from the authorities of Hazzard County in a Toyota Prius? Doesn't have the same edge. Or Steve McQueen, from Bullitt, chasing around San Francisco in a European Economy class car?

As it is Americans are unable to name major European cars apart from BMW, Mercedes, or Volkswagen and most Americans have never driven a European car in their life. Most people in America never leave America, even for a vacation, so they have absolutely no experience with foreign car industries. The idea of swapping their V8 small block for a 1.6 litre is repulsive for them. Their logic says that a super-sized meal must be better than a regular burger and fries; hence a Mustang must be better than an Audi TT. Why? Because it’s got bigger everything.

“Part of the problem in comparing American cars to European cars is that we don't have a lot of the European cars over here” Greg Consalvi, a Volkswagen Garage owner in California explains. “What we do have is our cars, and we like them quite a bit because it's what we all grew up with. I'd still have my Mustang if the gas mileage weren’t so vile, just to have the sheer power--put your foot down and slam back in your seat.”

The 1965 Ford Mustang spawned a generation of petrol-fuelled obsession; it was the reason people like Sheamus McNamara, a fellow red-blooded male, travelled to America. Trading in notion of sitting by a pool in the Costa, bronzing and sipping a Pina Colada for a holiday romance with a drop top muscle car on Route 66. “Arriving in California with the tyres bare and the top down I was in love” he explains, “They’re cars that’ll never put you to sleep at the wheel, five litres, 350 bhp and the open road. Even if it is over-engined and under-chassised you’ll never be disappointed”, “The only unpleasant moment was when I had to give it back.” Substitute the fuel efficient, reliable and Environment friendly European class car into this picture and 2,500 miles through the heart of America doesn’t sound as appealing. Driving down the Vegas strip in your ‘sophisticated Italian mini’ won’t raise too many eyes, but do it in a 1960’s Firebird with backfire coming out of the tailpipe will have people stopping in awe.

So what do these industries have to do to revamp the muscle car, and bring back our masculinity? First off the film industry isn’t doing us, or these companies any favours right now. Most film stars have traded in their gas-guzzler for the trendiest hybrid sissy car. Ferraris, Bentleys and Astons are taking up residence in the hills of Hollywood. Even 007, the man of men had a plethora of hydrogen-fuelled cars in the latest Bond film. What’s going on? It’s time for a real honest-to-gawd, hair-on-the-chest, G-dash-T-car film to inspire us all again. Something on the lines of a new Smokey and the Bandit with Evil Caneval stunts in new fangled Transam. Something that would have muscle car posters on young lads bedroom walls, and make men stop waxing their chests, and be proud to be a man again. Put these cars in as many films as possible, just like the Vipers, which appeared in 456 movies and TV shows, and garnered a generation of followers.

Secondly, its time to fabricate these new V8 battle cruisers. These companies own the copyright and could go back into their archives and dust off the blueprints for their old muscle cars. Its time for them to start raping their own history. Look how well it worked for the 2005 Mustang, the first true redesign of Ford’s pony car since 1979. While the Mustang’s exterior look has evolved in the last 29 years, the underpinnings saw only the modest of updates throughout its refresh. Fair enough it took nearly 30 years to get it right but for a time there the US lead the charge again. Already ideas are at foot to reinvent the Challenger, the Camero and the Chevy HHR. But we need more, when the future looks dangerous, its time to take comfort in the past. “It is hard work in that actually cleaning up an old shape for a modern era, and moulding it to packaging and aerodynamic and crash need, tends to require some very cunning optical illusions” explains Edward Snowden, American muscle car engineer. “But you have to agree there’s something in the proportions of these cars that set any petrol head a-rumbling.” Detroiters will raise a cheer for any new Challenger or the likes, with their hometown industry deep in cack they’ll jump at any chance for a way to remind themselves how great they once were. Revamp them all. Bring back the Pontiac GTO – one of the first muscle cars, the car that moved the horsepower arms race from the drag strip to the showroom. Bring out a new version of the Chevrolet Corvette Stingray, or the GT 350. Something that will get people talking about the 450 bhp, or the 525 lb ft of torque they have under their bonnets. Before long we’ll even have a new version of Mr Pickett’s chart topper Mustang Sally.

Finally pit them against the expensive and complicated hybrids, and beat them in simplicity. The muscle cars of old were straightforward to maintain, while the engines were big, the technology was simple. Anybody with a brain could carry out repairs and modifications, unlike the new half-electric, half-petrol hybrids. These cars need to be hooked up to an electric diagnostic tester just to point out what the problem is, so there’s little chance of a do-it-youself. And any cries about the enviroment suffering and the fuel shortage can be muted with the fact that these new versions are far better in performance, emissions, and mileage than any of it's 60's counterparts. Little is it known that to get any benefit from the likes of the Toyta Prius, one would have to drive it around the world twice.

So it’s time to start swapping your chino’s for a pair of jeans, your Dubes for boots and to start spitting again. Its time to let the motor industry in America know you’re ready for the next pony. Time to wear oil covered tee-shirts with pride because you’ve spent all day Saturday’s tinkering with the 289 cubic inch V8 under your bonnet. Go on, its time to be a man.